I wanna get lost in you.....

I have not been writing as much as i was time is so scarce these days and i feel like i am in a huge transition right now. Everything is changing so quickly. I feel so frustrated and disoriented. I feel like there is huge wedge between me and my hubby right now. Not that there really is but it feels like it. I recognize that we are both frustrated and don't know which way is up or down. I have not been very easy to get along with these days. This i know is very true. I want so much to find that inner strength that i know is in there. I used to be so strong and secure in who i was and what i was supposed to do. Experiencing what we did in Chicago and then coming home to the same mundane things has been hard. My mom said when you are used by God inevitable discouragement will try to creep in your doors. I fear i have let it in. I want to silence all the voices in my head but God's. I know what he said to me it is time to let go. I have been holding on to a position and a place that is not mine to have. Johnnie says that when you seek position only you will always be disappointed but i guess where i get confused is what are we supposed to chase after? Does the will of God mean no position or does it mean we seek only him and he will put us where he wants us? How do we get ahead?? What are we really supposed to be going after. My heart feels so heavy i have been renewing my mind every day and praying every time i take a breath. I will not sink in to a hole, has been my daily confession. But it is really hard when the man you love is poking his head back in his shell and you feel like it is your fault. I do trust him and i do trust God it is all the crazy people with more flesh than raw meat that i don't trust. It is such a scary thing when you have spent years of your life sacrificing for people without even knowing it. When all along it was really supposed to be for God. I have planted both feet on the ground and am standing firm not only for my self but for Johnnie to. We will succeed and fulfill every word ever spoken over our life. We will not shrink back no matter how out of place we feel or how overlooked it may seem. Our promises are yes and amen and god will be faithful to fulfill every one. He has called us and i know we need to make room for the place in our life. We have got to look ahead and stop allowing all that is spinning around us right now to detour what we know we heard. So devil if your listening ( which i know you are ) you can't have our destiny. We will be like Job and praise God through every roadblock, through every pain and hurt and trial. I will forever have his praise on my lips. God please forgive me for doubting what i know you said to me and allowing fear to overtake me causing me to be a stumbling block to the most important man in my life. I love you johnnie we are gonna do it i know we will.